well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
