Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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