Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
