You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
