dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
