Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
