Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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