I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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