I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
