it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
