you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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