Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
