Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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