Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
