For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
