at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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