people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
