I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
