It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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