My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
