1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize