she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
