Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
