Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize