Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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