I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
