Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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