I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
