Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
