My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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