sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there was a trapeze. enough said
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
