I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
