they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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