Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He? As in you personified your dick?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
