I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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