I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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