i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
