Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She bit a glass in half.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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