Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
