a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
