Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
