Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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