I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
