You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize