his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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