I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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