I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
