There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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