How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
