you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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