Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
