Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
