I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
