There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
