don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize