I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
