pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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