Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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