Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
