Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
