bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
