I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
