Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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